Advice from Thumper

I bet you’re wondering who Thumper is? Some of you may know. He is the fictional rabbit from Disney’s animated Bambi films. So now you’re asking what has that got to do with humans!

Well there is an old saying ‘If you’ve nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all’. This quote is by Charles Caleb Colton, an eccentric English writer but it is best known from Thumper!

My blog is about this today because I’ve experienced quite a bit of negativity over the last while from those who will stay un-named but it definitely got me thinking about how I was brought up and it was just as this quote states – if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

It can also be kind to do this. However, it seems that some people are not aware of this quote or don’t have the courtesy of extending either a constructive comment or none at all.

Something also happened to me that had me thinking about the phrase ‘praise in public, reprimand in private’. This links to the above saying.

In business situations it is often necessary to point out some errors but someone who has been a mentor to me over the years taught me that (whether in a letter, email or phone call) you should always start with something constructive, then address issues and end with something constructive – it helps the other person to feel valued and even confident while still pointing out any issues. It makes for better relationships all round and always remember that never criticise or reprimand someone in public and it is best to do this in a face-to-face meeting. I have experienced, as others have, that words in emails, texts or other social media can often be ‘taken’ the wrong way. If you know the person, and have perceived the words to be unkind, lift the phone and call them. That’s what I do.

No one responds well to be being shamed in public and, regardless of what they might have done, every person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Reprimanding someone in public will be unsettling for everyone around them. Understanding what these phrases mean is also important in social and business circumstances. The topic of this blog focuses on these phrases but in social situations, particularly, where you might be or become anxious and not know what to say. Ask yourself thee two questions:

1. Do you ever find yourself in conversations where you don’t know what to say, it doesn’t matter whether it is a formal or informal setting, it can still happen?
2. Do you find yourself getting anxious when someone else is talking and wondering what to say when they stop talking?

Remember you are not alone in experiencing social anxiety. Many people become anxious before or during a conversation.

So here are some tips which can reduce your anxiety:

• Ask the other person a question
• Repeat what they were saying
• Say whatever comes into your mind (but as constructive or positive as possible)
• Be honest and say that you have nothing to add to the conversation

Some things you can say include:

How are you: – this is a good starter for a conversation when you don’t know what to say it doesn’t even matter if you do know what the other person is doing, it also shows that you are interested in the other person.

I recall a story about someone sitting next to a person on a long haul flight and they started up a conversation with this person and let them talk, rarely adding anything, just nodding in acknowledgement. When the plane landed the person who had talked most of the time said what an interesting flight it had been. You see sometimes a person has never had the chance to just talk and more than that not had the chance of being listened to. So become a listener!

Another question can be what are you up to? This is a good opener for a conversation even if the other person says not much, at least the conversation is started.

Something a bit more personal might be asking:

• How do you feel about that? Or What do you think about that?

This also gives the other person the opportunity to share something with you if they want to.

• If the conversation is about something specific you might want to ask: How was…..? You can add questions about what they did, how they felt, did they enjoy it or What was your favourite part?

These are good questions as everyone likes talking about their favourite things and it can lead the conversation in other directions.

Many people worry that they will have nothing to say in a conversation whether this is in a social situation or a business networking – be a good listener is excellent advice.  I’m sure you’ve been at some events where a person just talks and talks usually about themselves and rarely if at all asks about you.

Of course – What if your mind goes blank? Here are a few tips to help:

1. When you’re in a conversation with someone it’s important (vital) to make eye contact but if your mind goes blank you can break eye contact and focus on something else – this gives you a few seconds to gather your thoughts.
2. You can also say to them can I ask you a question? This shows you are interested in the other person. Some people who are self-aware will realise that you are anxious and give you a chance to gather your thoughts. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
3. What if you’re meeting new people and you don’t know them well? Here are some things I recommend:
4. Do some research on the other person so you have some things to talk about depending on their interests. If it is a business meeting, then know about their business. If it is a more social situation then if you know they like music you can ask what kind of music do they enjoy, who is their favourite musician and so on. A little bit of small talk breaks the ice and can also go a long way. They will also know you have done some research and that shows you are not only interested but take a professional approach.
5. Be quiet – yes bear in mind that it’s okay to be quiet sometimes. It’s not necessary or even likeable to keep talking and babbling on just to fill a gap in the conversation. It’s also not necessary to talk about your day every time you see someone; short exchanges are perfectly fine too.
6. If you feel comfortable with the person, take a deep breath and just say whatever comes to your mind first provided of course that it’s not negative or rude!
7. If someone keeps asking you questions that need more than a yes or no, then ask them to repeat the question. Sometimes, if you are anxious it is difficult to concentrate on what other people are saying so relax and take a deep breath.

When you feel anxious you may worry that you will not be able to think of something to say and end up feeling bad but rather than saying something that will not feel true to the other person, who thinks you’re making something up it is best to just tell that you don’t know what to say or don’t really know what they’re talking about. Of course it can be daunting to say things like that. I recall when I was in a group who were talking in acronyms (which many companies have and you need to get to know what these mean when you’re working for them) but in this case I hadn’t a clue so when they asked if there were any questions I said yes – can you tell me what these mean? So if you do have common acronyms but are speaking to people who won’t know what they mean then explain.

And of course more tips for reducing even removing your anxiety:

1. Do my ABC – the A is for affirmation – a positive personal statement that reminds you that you are confident so you would repeat the words I am confident, and then using hthe B,  – take a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth – this helps relax you and remove anxiety –and finally C – use your creative imagination – and this means imagining the best situation or outcome and that no one is going to judge you and are probably just wondering what you’re going to say
2. Have some short replies ready – like the ones I mentioned above, practice saying them out loud so they feel natural
3. And of course the perfect response is often to ask the person to tell you more – this is an excellent option if you want to engage and connect with someone but have nothing to say in return.
4. Praise –this is one of my 7 attributes when I recommend people praising themselves but in a conversation it is always helpful to focus on something positive that the other person is saying. (And of course it’s ok to praise someone in public).
5. Repeat questions, restate the question before replying as this helps give you a moment or two to think of an answer.
6. Always reply thoughtfully – this is particularly important if someone raises something controversial – again try to repeat what they said and just stop there, don’t say anything else or you could say ‘that’s interesting’ or ‘I’ll have to think about that a bit more.

You might be wondering what happens if you have nothing to say in a business meeting. Many people can get stressed in business situations particularly if you don’t know the people very well.

In a business meeting I’ve always found it helpful to listen carefully, prepare some questions ahead of time as this reduces that feeling that you have nothing to say. Of course, we are human and we might say things on the spur of the moment with no intention of being unkind, but if it is perceived as unkind, then be the bigger person and just apologise.

One example of an excellent Chair of a board: I recall being asked to be on the Board of a large corporate organisation – in fact at that time I was going to be the second woman on the Board and a colleague and mentor said to me – just listen, get the feel of the meeting and those round about you – never talk just for the sake of it. I was fortunate that the chair of this Board who was the other woman was amazing at facilitating the meetings, I would watch how she would raise a topic that I knew she wanted the Board to approve of but I also knew that the others on the Board wanted or needed to think that it was their idea. Her tactics and strategy worked every time and I recall hearing some of the members of the Board after a meeting praising themselves about how they had got the decision they wanted (few realising that the Chair had got what she wanted). What an amazing experience that was. She was also someone who knew when to praise others and did so in front of the board members.

I’ve been part of many Boards since and none have been quite like that one – indeed I have talked with many others who have been Board members and they’ve told me that they often wonder why they are even there! I’m sure this will resonate with some of you.

So some final tips for a business meeting:

• If you’re new (and also if you’re not so new) it is always good to listen and learn
• Ask for advice from someone you trust, who knows what goes on at these meetings, 
• Don’t overthink
• Be honest but if you’re asked how your day went, they don’t really want to hear every detail you should say something like, pretty normal day or busy with
• Be professional at all times.