As you all know I try to be positive at least most of the time but something happened in the last week to shake me, upset me to my very soul, and the cause? ME. Yes me. I lost my temper.
Now I was just listening to the advert for the TV program on ‘exclusion’ from school and what struck me was the words of one young boy ‘everyone gets angry even the best people’. These words hit me hard as it happened to me. I lost my temper but worse than that it was with someone I love so much, one of my wee grand-daughters. She knows how to ‘push my buttons’ but I should know better. I immediately apologised and hugged her and within minutes she was laughing. However I did not realise the longer term effects on me of what happened. I couldn’t get the moment out of my head. It prayed on me and continues to do so. It brought back memories of my own children and my gorgeous wee boy Bruce who took his own life and all I wanted to do was give him a hug. Knowing that this could not be made it worse and tears just kept flowing. I used all my tips and tools to make me see that Bruce is at peace and he would want me to be happy.
It also brought to mind my dear friend Walter’s blog ‘Fix you’ and suddenly like him I wanted to run home to ‘Mum’, someone to ‘fix me’, to forgive me and care for me, then life moving on as if it had never happened, if only, if only. Losing Bruce was the hardest thing I had to experience, as every mum who has lost a child will know and the grieving does not get less, in fact at times it seems worse. Many will not understand, although they will try but it is impossible. In Walter’s words all that is left is to ‘hope that tomorrow will be a more gentle place to land than today….the memory stays rock solid so when you meet again the wilderness in between will matter not.
Thank you Walter for your inspiring, uplifting words. I hope this short blog helps anyone who cannot forgive themselves for losing their temper – we are human after all.
Bless you all. Here’s to that ‘gentler place’.